Turning things around needs great talent. Just like when you wore something uncool and you made it the hottest thing at a party.
There are only two things in my life that made me really sad. I will tell you guys about it. First was when my beloved mentor who is also my storyteller and grandmother died.
I moved on with my grandma’s death after a full year of feeling that everyday will never be the same and better. I learned how to iron my clothes and prepare my breakfast. I’m sad everytime I dunk a portion of bitten pandesal in a mug of ultra sweet coffee that tastes almost like milk. That’s her mix and I cried drinking it. I walked alone to school whenever there were affairs that a guardian or a parent needed to go to. I was in high school that time, but loving a good grandmother is not uncool in the Philippines.
Then, I realized how much I love my mother. My mother who sacrificed so much of her own life for my brother and I. Her death will be the third saddest thing in my life and I’m so happy and thankful everyday that it’s not happened yet.
Second was when my bestfriend left to live permanently in a land of better health care and pension for the future. This is the center of this brant. Or pathetic blog-rant. I never thought I would feel like someone important just died. I cried shamelessly in front of my friends when we sent him away.
But, I somehow knew that he would visit back. Obviously he didn’t want me to know and I wondered why.
When I met some of my high school friends the day he came, one of them shouted my name and asked if I was ready for the comeback. I knew what it was. I just didn’t know when, but I was able to stabilize the thought in my hazy head. Deep in my thoughts I think I caught you guys, but I was thinking what’s the need to hide it?
Actually when he finally appeared at a coffee shop I gave a bland reaction that could have turned to tears. Or burst into anger. But I chose to stay inside me and thought I will not be mad because as a courtesy, he was still tired from the flight.
I just gave a couple of jolly hugs and didn’t feel anything back. Tears can be understood easily, but why anger? I don’t know.
They said they wanted to suprise me. Hmm. I wanted to ask, “So I was treated like the rest who I thought were less important people?” My bad for thinking I don’t belong. All of the good friends knew and they all stopped me for what I think they think I would do.
I could be selfish, but there’s no need to prevent me from going to the airport. So much for the surprise. I will not spoil a couples’ reunion or push myself to be the first in line for a hug and suspend meeting more important people right after. Now I disgust myself.
My frustration here or my madness is that I was not able to prepare for it. Okay. I appreciate the surprise thingy but it was done to everyone. Except that the important people knew. Except me. And they all had enough time to plan a summer event or better road trips. And a person who seemed not excited at all for the return will go on a double date at a beach.
I was just left with a plain message that tells me, “Hey your bestfriend is here, but spend the rest of your time at work because obviously, he didn’t like to see you at the airport, didn’t want to plan anything with you in his month-long visit because he is booked to go to many beaches. And hey, if you want a road trip, may he could go with you. Just bring a car and afford losing your job. Qizia your itch out whenever if still possible.”
I didn’t have time to file a scheduled leave at work. I couldn’t afford another absence because as he knew, it would mean I’m letting go of my job. The bestfriend I bragged about, dragged me in the devil’s territory. I can’t hide the excitement, but it turned into a swirl of dark frustration.
But I will say “I don’t want to think and look like a speck of importance in an endless multiverse of concerns. I will go hibernate until I’m cured. Thanks for the dinner.”