It started when I fell in love with my best friend and my brain tells me that I badly want it.
I tried my best to immediately dismiss the idea because it’s wrong considering the way our friendship was set up. My longingness became more and more intense to the point that I’d go to a payphone to dial a number only to find out that nobody would ever pickup or the recipient of the call is busy and needs to get off the line quickly. After a few minutes when you browse Facebook, you’d see that the recipient is busy talking to other friends.
It was obvious that I was hated and disliked.
Years passed and I lived a happy life with a hidden sadness that is sometimes washed away by occasional hookups and flirtations. These never lasted long and I basically grew tired of them. Same taste. Same colors. Same blandness.
But, I almost got rid of this feeling when I hibernated from the feeling itself. I was at 99% progress that time until I got messages that asked me how I was doing. I didn’t make any responses until one day I was told there was crying on the other line.
I said, “You told me that you never wanted me around ’cause you already found your real friends and I’m not one of them and one of them is your better half.”
I asked, “What do you want when I gave you all of me by staying away from your paths?”
I got the weirdest answer of all time that time that said “I just want you back. That’s all.”
Still, all the walls came crashing down on me. Back to zero.
But one day, I woke up all charged up. Didn’t know what was happening in me until I realized that I didn’t reach for my phone to check for received messages from North America. I let the idea pass for a long time.
Got my hair cut cause I want to look presentable to someone at work and I thought I gotta lose weight too for real this time ’cause I’m obviously unattractive.
One rainy day, I decided to announce to the world through Facebook that I’m perfectly fine right now. Confidently. Like that feeling that I thought was sweet, now disgusts me to the bones like I wanna smash my head against the bathroom walls.
And it got likes from people that knew me well. Including the one that wanted me back, but gone too at the same time.
Find the arrogance. I just wanted to be fine in my own skin. Now I can lose a friend that didn’t treat me too well.
The lesson I learned:
You wanna know where you are. That’s all. Don’t push yourself into forgetting someone cause you will always remind yourself that you need to forget someone and end up going nowhere because you are reminded by your own brain.
When someone rejects you, accept it. I assure you the damages will be minimal.
Thanks for reading. Go on and breakaway!
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