Arrogance

It started when I fell in love with my best friend and my brain tells me that I badly want it.

I tried my best to immediately dismiss the idea because it’s wrong considering the way our friendship was set up. My longingness became more and more intense to the point that I’d go to a payphone to dial a number only to find out that nobody would ever pickup or the recipient of the call is busy and needs to get off the line quickly. After a few minutes when you browse Facebook, you’d see that the recipient is busy talking to other friends.

It was obvious that I was hated and disliked.

Years passed and I lived a happy life with a hidden sadness that is sometimes washed away by occasional hookups and flirtations. These never lasted long and I basically grew tired of them. Same taste. Same colors. Same blandness.

But, I almost got rid of this feeling when I hibernated from the feeling itself. I was at 99% progress that time until I got messages that asked me how I was doing. I didn’t make any responses until one day I was told there was crying on the other line.

I said, “You told me that you never wanted me around ’cause you already found your real friends and I’m not one of them and one of them is your better half.”

I asked, “What do you want when I gave you all of me by staying away from your paths?”

I got the weirdest answer of all time that time that said “I just want you back. That’s all.”

Still, all the walls came crashing down on me. Back to zero.

But one day, I woke up all charged up. Didn’t know what was happening in me until I realized that I didn’t reach for my phone to check for received messages from North America. I let the idea pass for a long time.

Got my hair cut cause I want to look presentable to someone at work and I thought I gotta lose weight too for real this time ’cause I’m obviously unattractive.

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One rainy day, I decided to announce to the world through Facebook that I’m perfectly fine right now. Confidently. Like that feeling that I thought was sweet, now disgusts me to the bones like I wanna smash my head against the bathroom walls.

And it got likes from people that knew me well. Including the one that wanted me back, but gone too at the same time.

Find the arrogance. I just wanted to be fine in my own skin. Now I can lose a friend that didn’t treat me too well.

The lesson I learned:

You wanna know where you are. That’s all. Don’t push yourself into forgetting someone cause you will always remind yourself that you need to forget someone and end up going nowhere because you are reminded by your own brain.

When someone rejects you, accept it. I assure you the damages will be minimal.

Thanks for reading. Go on and breakaway!

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Egypt. My first.

The days flew fast when my baby newscasting career went to an abrupt end. So much about it and I’ve said too many rants losing it because of the allegedly and I think too, failing administration.

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Every morning seemed meaningless like I’m having the quarter life crisis which I don’t fully embrace. They say its common for people who work for a BPO company which is now my new source of income.

Well I said, probably to those who are at a dead end that it’s the only thing they can do. I’ve seen many people fought for career growth in this industry like territorial dogs that howl and bark at their colleagues just to fight for that narrowly unadjusted promotion alley.

Atleast not my puppy! I named it Egypt. Its the ancient things in it that fascinates me. So its a fascinating name for my female Shih Tzu.

It’s really small like a princess, but elegant like a full-fledged pharoah on its own. It doesn’t bark unless I guess necessary like when asking for food and water. Its does it really soft like its only us at home that can hear it.

The night I brought it home on a cab, we felt like it never adjusted to our house environment.

You know, they say dogs should vomit and feel depressed and not move at all, but I think its pretty okay. Actually, we all feel that it really feels fine at home. It already knows where to sleep and goes to the bathroom to pee or unload tiny poopies! Isn’t that a treat?

My step dad said that it gave life to the house. Well, we’re all alive and not really kickin’ ass in our careers, but I heavenly agree.

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One night, I saw my mom moving really slowly. I asked her what’s happening and she said “shhh… The dog’s asleep.” Cool mom. She has a new daughter.

We have a really small place and Egypt doesn’t have much playroom. I worried at first, but I found out that it’s comfortable enough to lie down under the table when its idle. When it feels like being active it runs in the house and because its small, its just right for her.

When I got it, I went to Eastwood City for its accessories. I guess I just didn’t know what to do first. I bought it dentastix and a brush and a comb and a leash. It ate the pet one food. Then I bought I Pedigree because it said in the box that its soft and milky. I guess for a baby like Egypt, its the real deal.

I just don’t know what else to do to make it happy. I guess, with all the stress that came to my boring life, this is a hint that there’s surely a bright light at the end of this dark tunnel we all call life.

🙂

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Relaxing Tides

I’m enjoying the rain while I’m in my car writing this. How many times have I done this boring thing, but I know I’m fine.
 
The sound of the falling waterdrops against the car roof is therapeutic almost like a sound that can lull you to sleep. There’s also coffee that my mom prepared before I drove in this isolated parking lot to fight my sleepyhead. I don’t even know why I went here.
 
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Life’s moments are like a snap shot. You do it and then its a memory.
 
Recently, my bestfriend was in the devil’s territory because he didn’t tell me that he’s visiting us back here in Manila. So I had no plans at all. To sweeten it, he surprised me at a coffeeshop when he arrived naked.
 
Joke. He just came in like it was a normal day, but it was amazing. I can’t describe the smile and the amazing.
 
Okay. Then after a month, we sent him away again at the airport wishing good health and everything.
 
After like a week, he asked me to pick up a delivery at an LBC shop for his mom. Well, okay. He was the delivery. 
 
Another surprise! Another month stay. Woah with smiles! He just attended his brother’s graduation and cameback. Then, we spent all of our time drinking milk tea everywhere.  He and I became broke, but we most surely had a lot of fun chewing the indestructible gummy tapioka and the strong black tea lightened by a cup of evaporated milk instant Zen Tea.
 
I’m wtiting this because I miss my bestfriend. I don’t like him. I just love him like a part of my body.
 
You know. Like a part of me is lost when he’s away and the next things I do are sorts of all boring things.
 
Before he went away again, I was nagging him because he wouldn’t talk to me when he’s with his better half. He has a partner. Yes, its true like the sun. My question is why? I just want to give a bag!!! So I didn’t want to speak with him until he goes away again, but I was just surprised again. Guards in the office are looking for me saying that he is looking for me. I was surprised because he was just a few hours from his flight and he is in the office. Sabi ng friend ko, “ang ganda mo!” sabi ko “may jowa un.” 
 
Last person to be seen before the flight aside from the better half. Then I agreed. I was hashtag beautiful that day!
 
One last glance, hugs and kisses and he’s gone. Again. I will never ever be immuned to this idea that becomes a reality. Then the car stopped and the window opened and another goodbye. I most certainly appreciate it.
 
Sweet nya noh? Kainis. Kapatid eh. Like the Supernatural brothers. Hot with tendencies. Hih
 
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My Bestfriend In The Devil’s Territory

Turning things around needs great talent. Just like when you wore something uncool and you made it the hottest thing at a party.

There are only two things in my life that made me really sad. I will tell you guys about it. First was when my beloved mentor who is also my storyteller and grandmother died.

I moved on with my grandma’s death after a full year of feeling that everyday will never be the same and better. I learned how to iron my clothes and prepare my breakfast. I’m sad everytime I dunk a portion of bitten pandesal in a mug of ultra sweet coffee that tastes almost like milk. That’s her mix and I cried drinking it. I walked alone to school whenever there were affairs that a guardian or a parent needed to go to. I was in high school that time, but loving a good grandmother is not uncool in the Philippines.

Then, I realized how much I love my mother. My mother who sacrificed so much of her own life for my brother and I. Her death will be the third saddest thing in my life and I’m so happy and thankful everyday that it’s not happened yet.

Second was when my bestfriend left to live permanently in a land of better health care and pension for the future. This is the center of this brant. Or pathetic blog-rant. I never thought I would feel like someone important just died. I cried shamelessly in front of my friends when we sent him away.

But, I somehow knew that he would visit back. Obviously he didn’t want me to know and I wondered why.

When I met some of my high school friends the day he came, one of them shouted my name and asked if I was ready for the comeback. I knew what it was. I just didn’t know when, but I was able to stabilize the thought in my hazy head. Deep in my thoughts I think I caught you guys, but I was thinking what’s the need to hide it?

Actually when he finally appeared at a coffee shop I gave a bland reaction that could have turned to tears. Or burst into anger. But I chose to stay inside me and thought I will not be mad because as a courtesy, he was still tired from the flight.

I just gave a couple of jolly hugs and didn’t feel anything back. Tears can be understood easily, but why anger? I don’t know.

They said they wanted to suprise me. Hmm. I wanted to ask, “So I was treated like the rest who I thought were less important people?” My bad for thinking I don’t belong. All of the good friends knew and they all stopped me for what I think they think I would do.

I could be selfish, but there’s no need to prevent me from going to the airport. So much for the surprise. I will not spoil a couples’ reunion or push myself to be the first in line for a hug and suspend meeting more important people right after. Now I disgust myself.

My frustration here or my madness is that I was not able to prepare for it. Okay. I appreciate the surprise thingy but it was done to everyone. Except that the important people knew. Except me. And they all had enough time to plan a summer event or better road trips. And a person who seemed not excited at all for the return will go on a double date at a beach.

I was just left with a plain message that tells me, “Hey your bestfriend is here, but spend the rest of your time at work because obviously, he didn’t like to see you at the airport, didn’t want to plan anything with you in his month-long visit because he is booked to go to many beaches. And hey, if you want a road trip, may he could go with you. Just bring a car and afford losing your job. Qizia your itch out whenever if still possible.”

I didn’t have time to file a scheduled leave at work. I couldn’t afford another absence because as he knew, it would mean I’m letting go of my job. The bestfriend I bragged about, dragged me in the devil’s territory. I can’t hide the excitement, but it turned into a swirl of dark frustration.

But I will say “I don’t want to think and look like a speck of importance in an endless multiverse of concerns. I will go hibernate until I’m cured. Thanks for the dinner.”

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How and Why

I’m dreamy, sleepy, rarely takes a bath and doesn’t pay attention to everything. My head is a hopeless nest of tangled hair, I feel lost, sad and underneath my beard is colony of zits. Is this it? I can’t even remember an ambition. I’ve been moody. I spit out bad words practically everytime I speak. I quit gymming and I don’t want to use my car anymore. I quit social life and my phone is always on airplane mode. Worst, is I don’t want to go to the office I work for right now. Negativity surrounds.

Is this what they call quarter life crisis?

My 25th birthday is nearing, so this must be it. I’m not saying that my life will only last until I’m 100 years old, but 25 is the quarter of a hundred and I think I have the crisis now, so probably I will only be a hundred years old before I die.

I wanted to know if this could be resolved instantly by taking anti-depressants or by taking happying pills. No. I guess, no.

I just know that all of this started when I lost my news reporting job. Not that I quit or the bosses kicked me out of it, I’d say the job has quit on me. I swallowed it whole and I exceeded the expectations of the office every single day.

I remember I covered the 2012 Habagat for a week . I produced stories that the office liked. I wore my boots and weather jacket. I covered in Marikina, my hometown and silly that I think right now it just sent me straight home.

I was really a crime journalist there, but like everyone else, you cover everything that happens during your shift whether it’d be GMA in St. Luke’s, GMA at the Veterans, GMA in the airport, or Paris Hilton in NAIA. Tell me gory, and I will tell you its not. I’ve been to the deepest parts of Tondo and Quiapo and dead bodies there as veteran journalists say is just five for five cents.

I really wanted it. Plain and simple. But the election has made it difficult to get a job in other TV stations. It’s like they’ve completed the number of men they need to have the better poll coverage versus one another long before the announcement of RPN 9’s closure.

What I did because I couldn’t afford to be a bum for a single day was get a job in a call center. It was my first job ever and I kind of miss it too.

But, it became unhealthy for me. Even just the thought of it is a jolting force of sour liquid from every corner of my stomach making its way out of my mouth — rice, noodles, scrambled eggs and malunggay leaves and carrot bits, all partially digested turned to a colorful acidic vomit. Disgusting.

I found it okay at first because of my great consideration for proximity. Its only 3.2 kilometers from home including parking.

My neutral American accent was really working well. During the three-week training period it was amazingly easy.

I was full of hopes and dreams inside the plain training room. I could be someone here in time. I will work really hard. Everyday, I listened and asked questions and clarified information.

The training rooms have names. They were named after popular universities in the United States. I thought good universities so good education. Good training. Each room is identical. A number of long rectangular grey tables form rows piled with office chairs. On the tables are monolithic CPUs and monitors beside them. Trainees sit infront of the monitors while the trainer discussed something projected by an InFocus.

The trainers and bosses from the production floor tirelessly said over and over that this is the easiest campaign they’ve known in their years of experience in the industry. So, I was easily inspired.

Then desparation loomed…

( Read my next story! )

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Murmurs

One cloudy afternoon I was reading a book, so in to it, I was in Alabama. I was reading Looking For Alaska by John Green. I was on my bed hearing only the low hum of the ventilator. Of course you also hear the rustles of passing people and some chats that didn’t make any sense. Just passing noises. On and off.

Then all of a sudden I heard murmurs. Murmurs that sounded like it had powers because our overly-noisy community turned ultra-silent. I thought I’d be scared like a puppy infront of a lion, but then the sounds were consolidated. They became one chanting, but not enchanting.

I ran by the window to see what was going on. On the alley below, I saw a petite table with a filthy red velvet matting on it. A photo of a criminal and a candle were set up like the usual altar for a saint. There was also a combined boquet of chrysanthemums and malaysians nearly torn they looked like it was just stolen from someone’s niche.

I saw a bunch of criminals infront of our neighbors’ house. Our neighbors. With stealth like Tom Cruise in the movie Minority Report steal other people’s belongings in the middle of an innocent night.

They were praying for another criminal who died about a decade ago. Nothing more. The prayers, droned for several minutes with an unbelievable blur in enunciation.

I don’t hate the tradition. Its the hypocrisy in the act.

When that person died I thought I’d be happy. Its not like I’ve been a victim, but also I have been so annoyed with their megalithic speakers with nearly the sounds of an exploding hiroshimaic atomic bomb at one kilometer distance. But not one blast. Once started, it would go on for hours and hours.

The music they’re listening? Forgive me I hate Nora Aunor for singing. For even recording those songs with very poor English pronunciation. No joke, no tricks, no exaggeration, we hear four rounds of the album or plaque everyday.

The worst thing you must not do is tell them they are annoying because they will rat your house.

Its suffocating. Its like our freedom is taken away from us. Everyday. I want all of them to die. Now. Please.

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Unrequited

I tossed you some love

you tossed it back to me, tainted.

I asked why won’t you love me,

and you said you just can’t.

I guess that clearly says, you’re a dead end.

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